a final bow from 2009

2009 has been single-handedly the worst year of my life. I'm crossing my fingers, toes, and eyes that 2010 will bring the material needed to fill in the potholes this last year has left. I've been focusing on having a [more] positive attitude, attempting to trust again, and just breathe and be. People I love(d) may betray me, but I will not betray myself.

I am very thankful for my dear friends who stuck by me through this long year of heart ache and pain. Even though those many times where i was so angry and couldn't shut the tears off (i honestly could have watered a garden with my weeping this year) they were there.

I've made up my mind, 2010 is going to be an Evergreen-year. Cheers to a happy, healthy, rewarding & safe 2010.

my resolutions:

- put myself first

- become debt free

- don't drink coke before 11 o'clock

- maintain my gpa (and get a scholarship)

- be more patient with myself

- have happiness

- attend the temple weekly

-e

Evergirls

recently i've been experimenting more with illustrating - i combined both styles of how i like to draw. i thought i would post some of my work that i have been working on for my portfolio for University of Utah admissions. these are the Evergirls and are done on 17x24 mat board with a fine point sharpie. click on the images for more detail.

Evergreen

Everblue

Everley

and this is a work in progress that i can't decide if i like..

-e

the perfect companion

Bon Iver is gently playing on the turntable thanks to Sam.

All i wanted to say tonight is that music is the perfect companion in every situation. Music is my most favorite. Listen with your ears and heart, close your eyes and busy mind, and allow your spirit to zone and refresh.



-e

oh december, december..

December is disappearing so quickly. I better start working on coming up with my personal resolution(s) list.

So, I was facebooking this morning, and was reading up on some friends, and i saw something wonderful that made me smile. She quoted me on something I said when I was at TA.

"The walk of life takes strength and poise, so make sure you wear the right heels." -Sara Brooke Bailey

I needed to see that today.



"For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For an attractive face, speak words of kindness. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you will never walk alone."
-Audrey Hepburn

Today...
my feet are cold
i've sneezed 4 times
my arm hurts from my incessant playing of band hero last night
i should probably wash my hair
i think a trip to grey whale is in order
i feel more rested than usual
i had frosted mini-wheats for breakfast, and they were GOOOOOOD
and finally,



thats all i have in my pocket for now.

-e

john mayer and i hang out

i am convinced that john mayer writes songs about me. The way he lyrically drowns out the static noise in my head and comes out with clear solutions in a clean way, or inspiration and understanding is amazing. Music has always had a profound effect on my life. I can think of a song or a full soundtrack to a situation i am in, or to a memory i am making. Art and music go hand-in-hand in my mind. Here is Inspiration for you. love, me.



p.s. pick up john mayer's heartbreak warfare right now!

-e

we must become as little children

dear santa...

I think you forgot to put brandon flowers under my christmas tree.

current loves

Black&White

anything that resembles the classic Miss Jackie'O

Lauren Conrad

Window shopping at Anthropologie

Making memories

Mr. Ryan Adams

Wonderful fashion sense & brunette hair

Really hot men with facial hair

merry christmas

the end.

-e

wilco & ambien

Here I am. midnight.

i am bartering with my wandering mind - attempting to pin it to the ground, and wrestle it enough to where it will be receptive enough to my wishes, and i can fall asleep by serenading myself to wilco.



today was a hard(er) day. i smiled though it, but now that i'm in my bed with my snoring kitty, my eyes are heavy and my heart is about to burst from my bottled up emotion. I don't want to feel so angry and sad. i am still not myself - sometimes i feel like who i once was, and would like to be, but then i remember all that pain and i clamp shut with anxiety and feel the need to want to run away for, like, days.

i am trying, but i am scared.
i am lonely, yet surrounded.
my heart just wants to go home, but when the home is gone, does that make my heart homeless?

cheers to a brighter tomorrow.

-e

walking in the snow

have you ever gone out walking in the snow?
tried to get back to where you were before.
You always end up not knowing where to go.
If you've ever been out walking in the snow.
If you'd ever been out walking you would know.
-brandi carlile



i have noticed that even in the coldest places it is possible to find warmth, and even in the oddest places inspiration and internal serenity can be brought into light. walking out around in the snow, trying to find your way back to where you were before, is reminiscent of a rock trail leading the way home. Only difference is that if you wait too long to change, or return home, your tracks melt into the ground and you are left there to lie on the hard unwelcoming dirt where you can choose to pray to find direction, die, or be found.

beauty, grace, elegance.

-e

healing passage #1

A few weeks ago i escaped death. There is no reason i should still be alive, but for some reason I am still here, and god's angels surrounded and protected me.

Although my body is in one piece and i am healing, a lot of me is still in pieces emotionally this christmas. I didn't see my life playing out and crashing down on me how it has this year. I have never felt pain so deeply as i have during 2009. There is this rather large chunk of me that still feels completely broken, terrified, angry, and breathless...... but no longer do tears drop daily on the keys, with my fingers dodging the puddles. i am beginning to breathe and (re)learn that though trials and adversity something that stays true about me - that the only thing that is whole for sure is my love for the temple, and my savior - [in the temple] i try to seek answers. A peace comes where i can seem to gather enough strength to get through the days, and each morning begin again to "pick up the broken pieces of the dream i once had."

someone catch me.

Ponder Piece #1

Like a painful battle where words are weapons. Like a broken heart that cannot be healed. Like a child dropping ice cream in the sand. Never saying what needs to be said, never hearing what the other is craving for you to understand.

Feeling contention; not contentment.

A battle where both teams lose. Where both members fall to the ground into their puddles of pain they have created through an endless battle that was never won. Where the broken heart becomes shattered through a child-like-ice-cream dream.